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Pornography Addiction
by
Ron Lagerquist
"God has written Eternity in our hearts insuring a holy dissatisfaction with temporal things and
a seeking after
divine purpose"
Article Contents
Take Action
Make
a Decision
Cost of Remaining In Pornography
Repentance With Power
Rebuild Intimacy
Clean House
Accountability
Temptations Outside Your Control
If You Fail
Four days of fasting, isolated in a damp cabin and it finally came.
I almost gave this up, John thought, broken and weeping. But the
shame of facing his family with this demon still alive kept him resolute
to wait. The warmth of hope contrasted the cold drizzle outside his
door. Only moments ago this old cabin was a death trap, a musty, dark
door to inward places he simply did not have the strength to journey.
The long hours of solitude dealt out every compromise John had made over
the years, illustrated by the innocent confusion on his seven-year-old
daughter’s face. Her sweet face exemplified all that had been lost. It
was that image that drove him out here, away from home and ministry.
The necessity of this trip came four days ago. John had stayed up late
Friday night as he often did, researching on the internet preparing for
the Sunday morning message. In the quietness of his office, again came
visiting that deep emptiness and sense of impotence from the dry
mechanics of ministry. He experienced a profound indifference and
disconnectedness, relief was one click away. As raw images flashed on
the screen, he promised this would be the last time. Lost in wanton
hunger, John failed to hear his young daughter enter the office. She
had a bad dream and couldn’t sleep, looking for daddy’s soft words to
comfort her back to slumber. Her wee voice penetrated his frenzied
feast, “What are you doing daddy?” He turned in horror to find Samantha
standing in full view of his secret sin. Later, a humiliating
confession to his wife and long drive to this place, there could be only
one resolution.
John watched the rain running down filthy windows of the old cabin.
Thank God for the rain. He sat on the cot not wanting to move, afraid
of breaking the spell of cleansing the Holy Spirit was executing.
Thought about what awaited outside the door. John knew that the joy of
this purging would wane. How could he remain free, untangled, not
falling back into the same patterns of empty striving which led him to
such repeated depravity?
Take Action!
Flee
from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his
body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. . . You are
not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your
body.
1 Corinthians 6: 18-19
Where
are you right now? Are you
in a place where you will humbly do anything that it takes to be free from
pornography addiction? If so, you have come to the right place. There is simply no way to win this battle unless
we are as strategic as our enemy. God wants more than just weepy
prayers. Yes He will forgive but if you are honest, you are looking for
more than just forgiveness. If you have a righteous heart then you are
longing for personal integrity, longing to build a legacy of
uncompromising purity. You desire to be a man of God. The alternative
is persistent shame and feeling like a fraud. Thank God for shame, it
is a sign of a soft heart.
Real
freedom is consistent obedience in the face of relentless temptation.
You can have victory but it’s going to take hard actions on your part.
If John is to be successful and not end up back in the cabin of
despondency over and over, then he must put safeguards in place that
will make it hard to fall.
There
are two types of temptation, the kind we have no control over and the
kind we can do something about. God gives us strength over temptation
but grace is not given to overcome the temptation we seek out or allow
in by laziness. We are to flee, not walk or loiter but run from
temptation. Loitering around a temptation then desperately praying for
more strength is ridiculous. God will not be mocked; He is not a crutch
for inaction.
The
word flee is a “take action” word. It is an action God can
energize. Stop complaining about the things you have no control over,
I cannot believe the way women dress today, movies are getting worse,
even the commercials are sexual, and start focusing on the things
you can do something about. Complaining is just an excuse for
inaction. Stacy has called me on this many times. She points out that
it makes no difference how bad the world has become, I can be a man of
God and she expects nothing less of me. Her expectation of holiness is
the highest form of praise, although it took some time for me to see
this. It says that she believes in me and the work of the Holy Spirit
in my life.
There
are proactive things we can do to flee from the pull of pornography.
For example, peak sales of pornographic movies at hotels are not during
Satanist conventions but weekend pastor’s conferences. The answer is to
put safeguards in place so our spiritual leaders are not alone when away
from their wives. Two or three pastor’s or mature Christian men from
each church sleep in the same room during weekend conferences. The
television stays off. A simple action and a fleeing from evil. This is
one very practical war strategy in our fight against pornography. In
the positive, it is a war to protect your integrity and the reputation
of the name of Christ. If a man loses his integrity what does he have
left?
. . . the prostitute reduces you to a
loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life.
Proverbs 6:26
You are going to be introduced to five powerful actions you can do
to protect your life and the ones you care about. I can tell you from
personal experience that they work. They are God-forged actions. Each
one will demand some time and cost, and in part, that is what makes them
so effective. Take a look at history, commanding actions involved great
cost. Let’s send a clear message to God and put Satan on notice that my
integrity, family and ministry are worth fighting for and protecting.
Action
1 - Make a Decision
Truth is, there are real
solutions to the crisis of pornography addiction but first you must have
the desire to be free at any cost. Be willing to do anything. Like all
addiction, it has become a secret friend, a friendship you have come to
depend on emotionally when feeling empty, insecure or lonely. It will
cost you to walk away.
Many men
find themselves repenting over and over compelled by the aftermath of
guilt and shame. Once those ugly feelings regress into the background
they are face first in the same old vomit. Honestly, the weepy prayers
are mostly a habitual response to a nasty aftertaste and therefore have
little power. Lasting freedom is not founded on guilty feelings; there
must be something more substantial. Lifelong change comes from a clear
minded choice made with a full understanding of the cost of remaining in
sin and the cost of walking away forever. You cannot have it both ways,
if you remain long enough the choice will be made for you.
In all
fairness to your loved ones you need to have the courage to get off the
sin/repentance rollercoaster and make a choice once and for all. First,
understand you have a right to your pornography. Pornography is
perfectly legal and today has become a common form of entertainment
consummation. It constitutes the largest sales of every type of media
including the Internet, so you are among a large company.
Internet
Porn Statistics It is within your right to consume as
much as your eyes want and I am sure you have discovered even God will
not stop you. It is your free choice.
If you
decide to remain in pornography there are people who have a right to
know, your spouse for one and if you are in spiritual leadership you
need to step down. If you have a righteous wife and have no intention
of stopping then she has Biblical precedent to divorce you. She
deserves the right to know so she can make an informed decision.
Settling this now will save you and the ones you love a whole lot of
pain and trouble.
You may
think that if you decide to stay in your addiction you can not deal with
the daily guilt. Don’t worry, with each act, your heart will become
harder until you begin to rationalize that the sin of lust is really not
that bad. After awhile you won’t feel a thing. This is not said in a
condemning way, it is simply time to make a decision, no more sitting on
the fence. The Bible calls it lukewarm and it makes God sick (Rev
3:16). Be a man, here and now and make a choice.
Jesus
tells us to count the cost. Breaking this pervasive addiction will
demand a cost. Are you willing to pay the price? Is your marriage,
children, ministry, most of all, relationship with God worth it?
Here are
some costs and rewards, read carefully.
Cost of Staying In Pornography
-
alienation from those closest to you including God
-
guilt, shame and remorse
-
hurt
the people you love
-
desensitized conscience and detachment
-
never discovering your full spiritual potential
-
jaded view of women
-
loneliness
-
controlled
-
intimacy issues
-
low
self esteem
-
insecurity
-
a
constant feeling of hypocrisy
Rewards of Staying In Pornography
Cost
of Walking Away From Pornography
-
temporarily grieving the loss of an old friend
-
temporary feeling of depression and emptiness
-
feeling restricted in following a strong impulse
-
no
longer having an escape when feeling out of control
-
not
having sexual fulfillment on demand
-
enduring withdrawals to a powerful addiction
-
the
arduous job of working through unresolved issues
-
putting restrictive measures in place
Rewards of Walking Away From Pornography
-
a
growing contentment
-
freedom from shame, guilt and remorse
-
nothing to hide
-
building a legacy of holiness
-
blessing your family
-
marital healing
-
even
emotions
-
able
to grow into emotional and spiritual maturity
-
single-minded ministering with a clear conscience
-
enjoying God’s favor
-
rediscovering your spouse
-
intimacy with God
-
life
of integrity
These are but a few examples. The most effective way to count the
costs and rewards is to write them out yourself. They will be different
for everyone.
It is my
prayer that you have decided to walk away from your destructive
friendship with pornography. If you have said yes to God then
you are willing to do the difficult things to be successful. All
choices must result in action.
Action 2 -
Repent
We are not talking about another
guilt-driven, weepy repentance fest. This is a war cry with oomph. A
time of cleansing backed up by hard decisions. Repentance means change
not just tears and guilt. A fresh start is allowing Jesus to wash you
clean from past sin. If you failed five minutes ago it’s in the past
and can be washed clean by confession. If you have repented and are
still living under guilt, get over it. Like lust, guilt is just another
form of self-indulgence. You are forgiven, get up, get over it and
start to fight! Dear friend, if you are serous about changing and are
remorseful enough to do anything within your power to change then you
are cleansed as if you have never sinned. Not because of how tearful
your repentance is but because of the mighty power of Christ’s blood.
Any time
spent with your Abba Father and you will quickly discover He has certain
tendencies. There is one in particular that would be good for you to
become familiar with. God has a forgiving heart. Unlike many of us, He
does not find it hard to forgive, although forgiveness did not come
cheaply; it cost God a great deal. There have been periods in my life
where I have used God’s forgiveness as a back door to repentance. Yes,
I felt guilty indulging in a repetitive sin but I always knew that I
could sample again and then appeal to God’s forgiving heart. The fear
of totally cutting ties to my addiction was greater than my fear for
God. This is a dangerous place to be in because that back door swings
both ways. It is a door Satan and his demons can enter through at will
because you, yes you, have given Satan legal ground to do so.
Here and
now, you need to remove all back doors to your repentance. This is all
or nothing. You need to be resolved that you will never ever look at
pornography again. The relationship with your addiction is over
forever. That is the kind of resolve God can empower. It is single
minded, honest and true.
You may
have back doors and are not even aware of them. Ask God to open the
eyes of your heart and show you any back doors into your heart, as tiny
as they may be, so you can repent of them and move forward with power,
not looking back.
Action 3 - Rebuild Intimacy
Strangely, a predisposition to
pornography often involves intimacy problems rooted in insecurity. We
could write a book delving into this or we can do something about it.
The shame and guilt you have been living under only exasperates intimacy
issues. Now that you are forgiven it is time to rebuild a strong
intimacy with God which will become the foundation to effectively use
these weapons. You need to draw near to God and there is no better way
than a fast.
On a
very practical level fasting will temporarily disarm the sex drive.
Food cravings and lust are connected. Both are desires of the flesh,
both are twisted forms of something healthy. You need to read this:
Spiritual Fasting
Read
through the book of Proverbs every three days throughout your fast. That
is ten chapters a day. It will take about an hour or less, one third
the time of the average baseball game. Now that you are no longer
indulging in addiction you will free up time for the Word. Great
tradeoff! You are going to build a new foundation, Proverbs is your
blueprint. Relax in the presence of God. Receive the fullness of His
grace.
Intimacy
with your spouse will take some time. It is about rebuilding trust. Be
patient, you owe that to her. Do not try to prove yourself, simply walk
in obedience and time will prove itself. Wives can tell; they will
sense the change. You were probably blind to just how much your secret
was effecting your public life and your bedroom. Lack of trust on her
behalf is not a lack of support. Stop turning to your spouse for the
things you ought to be turning to God for This is why it is so
important to rebuild strong intimacy with God. Remember, this fast is
not about penance or proving to your wife you are serous: it is about
your relationship with God.
Action 4 -
Clean House
Before Stacy and I got married we
both decided not to have television. By that I mean we have a
television but no cable, Satellite or antenna. Our television is unable
to receive any channels. I miss documentaries, Stacy misses the news
but we both agree having television is simply not worth it. That does
not make us more spiritual but it is one less problem we have to deal
with. When Friday night rolls around and I am up late after Stacy and
baby are sleeping, I do not have to deal with the lure from the array of
nudity and sexuality available in my own livingroom at the press of a
button. I hear my Christian friends, some pastors, discuss their
struggle with Friday night surfing, little porn snacks to take to bed.
I have been there, Saturday dawns with fresh light and dreaded dark
guilt. It is not that I am stronger than other men, it is simply not
available to me due to a quality decision Stacy and I have made
together.
A
resource that is a vital part of our home protection when choosing
movies is the website
Kids-In-Mind.com.
We have found that beyond G rated moves the rating system is a poor
measure of a movie’s sexuality. PG movies can often contain greater
sexual content than PG-13. Kids In Mind
is a detailed breakdown of a movie’s content allowing better choices.
It only takes a few minutes and is well worth the effort. Don’t wait
for your wife to take leadership on this. Men, step to the plate as
spiritual protector of your home and be thoughtful with the movies you
rent. The standards you have set for your home needs to be the
standards you set for yourself when no one is looking. I say this
humbly for I have failed miserably here.
Bodybuilding and fashion magazines, cable TV, movies, music, video
games, romance novels, make the uncompromising choice and get them out
of your home. This may sound like legalism but it is not. It is
protecting your home. Flee from sexual immorality because it will kill
your marriage, destroy self respect and alienate you from the Spirit of
grace. This is war, and tough measures must be taken in times of war.
Some of
you men have been praying for years to be free of pornography addiction,
pleading with God to remove it from your life, yet unwilling to do the
hard work necessary to succeed. You know as well as I do that your
prayers no longer have power. You can feel the uselessness of them.
Why not surprise your wife and God by making a quality decision that has
War Cry, written all over it?
Action
5 - Accountability
As iron sharpens iron, so
one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17
I am a
loner at heart, my creative batteries get recharged in the introspection
of solitude. Backwoods hiking, canoeing, writer-recluse with a flare of
eccentric, at least that was how I prided myself. Throughout the last
twenty-five years, lack of accountability has been my downfall. Me and
Jesus; don’t need anyone, too precious to be cookie cut by
Religion. The result was a private religion run amuck, a God of my own
understanding and appalling self-justifying of secret sin. Am I
suggesting that a personal relationship with Jesus is not enough? Yes.
The new birth must be followed up with obedience which will always lead
to deep fellowship and accountability.
Therefore confess your sins to each
other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
James 5:16
The synergy of accountability and solitude is spiritually dynamic; both
are strongly taught in Scripture and played out in Jesus’ life. Having
honest friendships with spiritually mature men where accountability is
as natural as conversation, guards from dangerous subjective
justification. Good friendship will encourage and challenge, uplift and
rebuke. “Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise
man's rebuke to a listening ear.” Proverbs
25:12 A well placed rebuke can save a man’s life. These kinds of
friendships are vital and worth seeking out. They demand honesty and
courage, resulting in the fruit of mutual spiritual protection.
Though
one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three
strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
Satan
divides and conquers. He wants to shove you into the corner of guilt
and shame and beat the living Spirit out of you. We are in a war; stand
together in powerful friendships that hold one another accountable. If
there is no men’s group in your Church, start one. Look for the
spiritual men in your Church and make friends. Invite his family for
lunch after Church. For some you this will be breaking out of your
comfort zone, but it is time to get uncomfortable. We have gone to
great lengths to feed our addiction, it is time we risk some discomfort
to protect our spiritual health and marriages. Replace lame excuses
with hard-hitting action.
My
dilemma is that cultivating the type of friendships where accountability
occurs naturally, demands an investment of time, something I am in short
supply of. This is yet another lame excuse and clear message that I am
still not getting it. We invest time into the things that are important
to us and often the level of importance is judged according to the
pleasure it ensues. At first glance, developing a friendship seems like
more hard work. What I am forgetting, as I stiffly walk up and
introduce myself, is the richest memories and loudest laughter is found
in the theater of companionship. Why do we remember our youth with such
fondness? It was a time where the camaraderie of companionship was more
important than trying to maintain a materialistic lifestyle. Developing
friendship does take time but the end result can be a lifetime of shared
experiences and mutual protection. No longer does the foe of lust have
to be faced alone, we stand together covering each other’s back.
One of
the most valuable actions I have ever taken in my fight against
pornography was adding full transparency to time spent on the Internet.
I am on the net all the time, often alone at my office. A few years ago
we discovered a program, that once installed, put an end to that sick
feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I opened the web. The name
is Covenant Eyes, and its beauty is in its simplicity. Once loaded onto
your computer, the program sends a history of every site you have
visited to Covenant Eyes’ secure database. (If you have a problem with
internet pornography, you know what History File I am referring to, it’s
the one you frantically erase after failing.) You set up trusted
accountability partners with a password, who then can log into Covenant
Eyes’ website and view where you are surfing. Additionally, they are
sent a surfing report via e-mail once a week or month. We have Covenant
Eyes on all of our computers. I no longer surf alone, even if I am
surfing at three in the morning. I absolutely love it because it
works. No more sneak a peak. It takes a few minutes to set up, does
not slow down surfing, and is impossible to get around. Most serous
Christian ministries are putting this type of program on their computers
and some are requiring the leadership to have it on their computers at
home.
We
believe so strongly in Internet accountability that Freedomyou has
partnered with Covenant Eyes. Call this fighting back, kicking Satan
where it hurts, removing a temptation we can now do something about.
It’s under ten dollars a month and worth every penny. It’s time to back
up your repentance with action that works. Loading Covenant Eyes onto
your computer is not admittance of a weakness but an action of strength.
_______________
 Find
out more about Covenant Eyes
Be a man and do the right thing!
Click on logo
________________
Temptation
Outside Your Control
Looking ahead one month from
today, you have counted the cost and made a quality decision to walk
away from pornography addiction forever. You have done the challenging
things and engaged the enemy with powerful actions. There is the
refreshment of repentance, with that you have refused to entertain guilt
because Christ’s blood washed it all away as if you have never sinned.
Time has been invested, rebuilding intimacy and you are committed to
maintaining closeness with God at all cost. Cleaning house was painful
but the joy that proceeded made it all worth the sacrifice. All your
computers are now protected with Covenant Eyes, you can not even imagine
being without it. Even in one month there has been a change in your
home. The shame is gone, you are reestablishing personal integrity.
Emotions are falling in line, you feel clean, almost youthful as a huge
private cloud has lifted and with it that constant feeling of emptiness
and unfullfillment. Your wife now feels the door is open to discuss her
pain, broken trust and perhaps even anger and although it is difficult
to hear it is a vital and welcome sign of healing.
But what
about all the temptations we have no control over? Even an innocent
walk down a shopping mall and we are faced with soft porn images.
How do we keep our eyes straight and hearts pure? Remember, I said
there are two types of temptation, ones we have control over and the
ones we don’t. You have aggressively removed the temptations you had
control over, God promises to give grace and supernatural strength over
the ones you can do nothing about.
“No
temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is
faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But
when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can
stand up under it.”
1 Corinthians 10:13
In
saying that, there is something you can do about the shopping mall
walk. Make sure before you hit the mall you have had unrushed devotions
that morning. Listen to praise music in the car on the way. Satan is
an opportunist, he waits until we are weak. It will be the times when
you are tired, stressed out; it may even have been a few days since you
have had devotions when he will strike. Be smart; avoid tempting
situations when feeling weak or tired. Ask God to help you become
discerning and wise. Know your weak times, Satan does. Ideally we
should always be prepared for unsuspecting temptation. It all goes back
to maintaining intimacy.
Also,
taking action has made you a stronger man, more resolute. There will be
far more of God’s favor on your life. As time passes you will start
thinking differently about yourself. Thoughts like, I’m above that.
That’s for losers. I am the righteousness of God. When
uninvited thoughts rise up from the inside of you like this, you are
starting to think like an Untouchable, your self esteem is shifting.
This is your enemy’s worse nightmare!
If You Fail
If we confess our sins, he
is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all
unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9
The last
thing you need to be doing is obsessing about the possibility of
failing. I can hear the voices; “OK, now that I have taken all of
these actions, what if I still fail? It will only prove that I am a
hopeless case.” In fact some stop repenting because they have come
to believe they are only setting themselves up for disappointment and
failure. What if I make a decision, repent, fast and rebuild intimacy,
clean house and establish accountability, remove all back doors, and
still fail? The answer is; God will forgive you quickly so you can
quickly get back in the race. Obsessing on failing puts you right back
in the same old useless, boring focus, “you”. Are you not tired of self
focus? I can tell you God is far more interesting.
Ironically, even though you have taken all the right actions, your faith
is not in what you have done but what the Spirit of Christ is doing
through you. The very fact that you can take these actions is due to
the work of grace. “. . . for it is God who works in you to will
and to act according to his good purpose.” Philippians 2:13
Your actions have simply opened the front door so God can inhabit
your lifestyle, freeing focus on God.
Do not
be afraid of failing. God is a forgiving Father. Instead, maintain
short accounts with God, quickly repent of any sin, and what ever you
do, do not become lazy in maintaining intimacy with your closest
friend. Guard your intimacy with God as if it is the most precious
thing in your life.
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